Okay, so now I'm pissed off. The Nequay trip in July was going to be great. My group of mates were going off for a week to Cornwall. It would be fun and even if we got pissed off with each other towards the end of the week, we'd still have a good time. But now I'm pissed off before we've even got there. Alice has been invited. I wouldn't mind, okay so I'm lying now, but no-one else particularly wants to invite Helen because people find her annoying and will want to kill by the end of the week. So why have we invtied Alice? She pisses me off a lot of the time now but she's friends with Mel and Charli. I don't mind that part, but it's the fact that she isn't really friends with the whole group, not in a 'let's go on holiday' way at least. She has her own group to go on holiday with. I'm friends with Hannah, but when they went as agroup to Bath the other summer, I didn't get invited, or invite myself - not that I wanted to go but that's not the point. I was fine with her going to Charli's party but she wasn't really part of the group, not intentionally but she seemed to be majorally left out, so why does she want to go to Newquay with the same group?? Probably because they're my friends - I'm so frustrated, I want to cry!! I'm in a dialema too, part of me wants to go, 'Fine, I won't go' but they'll go without me, Alice will still go and then she wins - again. The other half of me, the side of reason says, 'fuck it! Go anyway, you'll have a better time than feeling left out for a week'. Although, that option is likely to land me in jail and ruin my life for eternity; murder does not look good on cvs. She also can't really be univited although I don't see why not and I don't care that it may be 'her only holiday of the year' - it's not like she's poor, plus what's wrong with her own mates? In a way, I want to invite Helen. Why should I be the only one to suffer with someone i find annoying, ok so Ellis and Sophie find Alice annoying too although just not in the same way as me. It's made me semi-depresseed. I haven't felt like this for a while - it's taken over my thoughts. Instead of writing this I'm supposed to be doing my economics homework or my history personal study, but instead I'm writing this in a useless attempt to vent my anger, frustration, and annoyance. I'm not sure it's worked though, I don't feel much different and it would not take much to make me cry.
I guess it becuase ever since I was 10 Alice has in some way taken my life. I know a lot of people don't understand; my parents just tell me to pick myself up and get on with life and my friends don't quite see it in the same way. I guess it would have been easier to have told her to fuck off years ago had she not been at everything with me and our parents are friends. We used to do everything together becuase she joined because I already did - drama, chior etc and we were even in the same set for our subjects at Allenbourn together. I couldn't go anywhere without her being there. When I went to Parkstone (which she only took the test because I wanted to) I though that finally I'd get away from it all but no surprises, no such luck. I suppose I did for a while due to a letter my parents sent stating that we should be kept separate. She went her way and I went mine - to a degree as she was still at chior but at least we now had different friendship groups. Then, in year 10 the school cocked it up and put use both in the same compulsory group set. I thought that maybe she had changed and grown up. I gave her a chance but it didn't pay off; she came back with a vengence. She literally copied me, my style of clothes, the way I wear my makeup (eyeliner and mascara, no eye shadow), the exact same colour and pattern of fingerless glovers. It felt like that I was suffocating, my life wasn't the same. She even hinted sometime during year1 10/11 that she wanted to go back to drama (she'd left at the end of year 7) but thankfully she hasn't and isn't likely to now. I went to see my head of year in year 10 and she wasn't that helpful; it's hard to compliment someone's clothes when they're like yours. I needed that advice before then. When year 12 hit we were separate again and although I occaisonally saw her at chior practice (commitment is not her strong point) it wasn't too bad. Yeah, she could still piss me off, especially at the wrong time of the month. I was foollish to think that year 13 would be like year 12. She really has got into my group of friends. On friday we had an end of exam celebration of bowling and pizza hut but I didn't go, Alice went. I doubt they missed me - my 'minime' went. Sophie said that she'd ask the others if Alice didn't have to be invited to everything we do as a group but I reckon it'll fall on deaf ears. It just irrates me. She's taken so much of my life from me, but my group of friends was the one thing I thought she couldn't take but now she has - it's only taken 6 years. She can't take anything else because there's nothing left for her to take, she's got eveything of mine. Even my parents are pissed off with because I let her get to me, so I guess in a way she's got them too. In eight months (hopefully) it will finally be over - we'll be at 2 different universitys in different parts of the country and then she'll basically be out of my life for good (what was supposed to happen by going to Parkstone). The friends I make at uni really will be separate and there'll be nothing that she can do about it. I'll finally get my life back, basically 9 years after she took it. I've had ups in my life too but they don't seem to matter in the same way, I'd trade my friends for the stuff I've 'achieved' any day. Even at chior, which she rarely goes to at the best of time, she still seems to be treated like she's amazing. Jenny aksed me this morning if Alice would turn up to church. Bloody unlikely, she never comes on a Sunday. Last Friday having been out with my mates (and then invited Hannah and Sarah to go as well, err excuse me but she wasn't formally invited by everyone) she turned up to choir pracitce at 2 mins to 8!! It finishes at 8!! But no, becuase she's doing latin lessons with Jenny she can do no wrong, probably because Jenny thinks that's she's the only one who needs to work hard - after all she is going to oxford and so is a 'special case' as it is such an acievement to even get an interview. I know loads of people who had an interview and what about the people who have never had a wish to go to either oxford or cambridge? I have loads of work to do, as does other people in our choir and not all of them are like Alice, and are far more dedicated to what they're committed to. I guess she reminds of a lyric from 'Watch this Space' (a song from Britannia High) that goes 'Hold up a mirror you should see yourself/ you think that you won't stumble like everybody else'. For as long as I've known her, she's never seemed ot have any setbacks, anything to make her have a kick up the backside, everything she's done she's managed to succeed in, getting to Parkstone, copying me, GCSEs, Deans ans Bishop's awards (which by the way are also to do with commitment to chior which she certianly did not have at the time of taking the award or has now but yet she still is put in for the award and manages to pass), As levels, Oxford, ruining and stealing my life. Hopefully, one day she wil stumble and her life won't seem to be as perfect she'll get the wake up call she's been needing for at least the last 8 years.
Sometimes, I wish I had a time machine then I'd use to go back in time and I'd go to St Michaels instead of Allenbourn and then I'd never have met her and my life would have been so much better, so much happier. But then I wonder about Parkstone. Would have I been in the same class? Made the same friends? Those I wouldn't trade, even it meant I never had to deal with Alice. Sometimes, I just think that maybe this was meant to be - I was meant to have my life stolen by Alice for some greater purpose. Maybe it'll make me a stronger person in the future? Maybe with all the shit life has thrown at me during my teenage years I'll have a good adulthood? Maybe my life will always have shit thrown at it by someone somewhere and I'll never escape? Maybe I'll never know until I get there? I always hope that one day I'll look back and only see the good things but I doubt it, I haven't so far so why should I start now?
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